12/6 and 12/7

So these past two days I personally have not felt too great about. I'm trying to stick to my diet and eat the right amount of calories but sometimes I don't know how many calories I am eating. Like when I go to the dining hall. I have no idea how many calories are in the food I am eating. So I try to be conscious of the amounts of food I am having but I always feel like I am eating way too much.
Not knowing if I am staying on track with my diet makes me really upset because I feel like it will slow down my progress. I cannot stand how slow the process of losing weight is. So, the fact that I feel like I might be slowing it even further has been slightly upsetting.
I've been trying to be body positive. I try looking at myself and smiling and thinking that the body I currently have is beautiful. But that is not working. I tell myself that then my brain goes, "stop lying to yourself." I have thoughts like this practically every day. I am always demeaning myself and telling myself that I am not thin enough, or pretty enough, or good enough. I am extremely hard on myself. I am my own toughest critic. I don't want to be, but I also don't really know how to change it. I try to say these positive things about myself, and half of me believes it and I smile for a fraction of a second. Then, however, my very mean brain comes in and says, "you're an idiot. You are nowhere near where you need/want to be." It's pretty rough. It also really bums me out.
I guess this is why I don't believe other people when they tell me I'm pretty or smart. My brain just tells me they are lying. But, sometimes it won't say anything. Instead, it will flash images of someone who is much more desirable than I am. I think that hurts even more than the words do. It feels like someone will tell me that I'm pretty and my brain will just flash an image of this one person. And in that moment my brain is telling me "you might be kind of pretty but you'll never be as pretty as her, and there's nothing you're ever going to do that will make you that beautiful." That makes me feel like absolute crap.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and that I should love myself. But that is hard when society is telling me that there is a standard of beauty and I don't fit it. I really wish I knew how to ignore basically the whole world shoving these ideas onto me.

Food for 12/7:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: Salad and a blueberry bagel
Dinner: Pesto chicken pasta, one piece of garlic bread, and a salad

Water:
9-10 cups

Exercise:
None on 12/7 (it was my busy day)
I did workout on 12/6 though. I got through four of the 5 assigned pilates videos and also did a stretching video.

Something I like about myself:
My eyebrows

12/5

I am so out of shape. Oh my God.
I decided I would try to stick to a workout plan to help me lose weight. I chose to follow blogilates on youtube and on the website. Today was the first day I tried the workout and I couldn't make it all the way through. Cassey has 5 videos per day on her monthly workout calendar. I was really excited to start. I was going to start getting in shape and strengthen my body. I did the first video which was an ab workout and I made it though that pretty well. Then I got to the cardio video. It was only 7 minutes. I was seriously out of breath after it. It was pretty sad. Then she had 3 butt workouts after that. I did the first one and felt pretty shaky afterwards. I started the next video and got like 3 minutes in and my body just gave out. It was sad. Gosh, I am so weak. But, I plan on keeping up with these videos so that I can get stronger. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to do all five videos in a row.

Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- One serving of honey wheat pretzels and an egg
Dinner- Spinach pasta and pesto, 2 porcupine meatballs (ground beef and rice)
Snacks- A peanut butter cookie, almonds

Water:
I think I had around 10 cups today. It is getting easier to drink all the water. I still don't like how much I have to pee though. 

Exercise: 
3 blogilates video (probably about 35 minutes)

Something I like about myself:
I like the fact that I can learn quickly.

12/1

Today was not a good day for me as a person on a diet. I did not eat a lot but what I did eat was all high in fat and calories. Dammit me get a hold of yourself. I have this problem where I'll start to diet then I'll get mad after 2 days because I won't have lost any weight and then I'll just be like "well, guess I'm going to be fat forever. I might as well eat whatever I want." I kind of did that today but not to the extent that I usually do. Usually I just rampage and eat everything I can. Today I was like "Oh, I should really not be eating this but it'll be okay." I really need to focus on my goals. I need to realize that losing weight is possible but that it takes time and is not going to happen over night.

Food:
Breakfast- Smoked sausage
Lunch- A blueberry muffin and 3 servings of barbecue chips
Dinner- Chicken noodle soup
Snacks- A frosted sugar cookie, a bite sized brownie and a candy cane

Water:
I probably had about 10 cups today, and I expect I'll drink more when I head to the gym.

Exercise:
Nothing yet but I plan on going to the gym for about an hour to do cardio once I finish my homework.

Something I like about myself:
I like my hair. I've always liked my hair but now that I've dyed it darker I like it even more.

11/30

I did not make much progress today. I did not watch as much TV as usual but I still watched more TV than I would have liked too. I just find it hard to get myself to do something productive when I only have a certain amount of time. For example I know any part of my homework is going to take me more than one hour but after class I only have an hour before band, so I just tell my self, well I might as well just watch TV to fill the time. I have to keep myself from doing that and just work on some homework anyways. At least then I'll be getting something done.

Something weird happened today. I was sad after my boyfriend told me I was beautiful. This isn't the only time this has happened. It actually happens a lot. Not all the time, but still pretty frequently. Sometimes I will take it as a compliment and I'll think it's sweet that he tells me I am beautiful all the time. However, other times I become sad because I don't think I am beautiful. Then I feel like he is lying to me even though I know he isn't. So, I tell myself he is telling the truth but I also go on and tell myself that there is someone he thinks is much more attractive than I am. I think that it doesn't matter or not if he thinks I am beautiful. I'll never be the most beautiful. There's always going to be someone who is prettier than me.
When I think like this I also get mad at myself. Like, why does it matter how pretty I am? There's more to me than just my physical appearance. I have a lot more to offer. There are so many more important things in life than looks. Who cares if you don't look like celebrities and models? Who cares if your not stick thin? But then I always think... well I do. I don't want to and it's something I am going to try to work on. I just don't really know how to fix it. I have been thinking like this for half of my life. How do you change how you have been thinking? I hope I figure it out soon because I hate that I get so upset about this.

Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- Smoked sausage, broccoli, pomegranates 
Dinner- Small pulled pork sandwich
Snack- Spoon of peanut butter, half a cookie I shared with my roommate

Water:
About 10 cups

Exercise:
None. Wednesdays are my busiest days. So, I think I will use Wednesdays as rest days.

Something I like about myself:
How incredibly hilarious I can be. 

11/29

Today was kind of a lazy day. I still managed to workout but I didn't really do anything else I wanted to do. I pretty much just watched TV for most of the day once I got off from work at 1:30. Now about an hour of that time was spent also cleaning pomegranates but I still probably watched about 3 hours of TV. I think that is something I need to work on, limiting my TV time. Once I start I just don't feel like doing anything else. I need to be more motivated to study for my classes and exercise more. I guess I could even practice for my music lessons if I just stopped watching TV and went to the music building. So, in addition to trying to lose weight I'm going to try to explore new things I can do each day in place of watching TV.

Food:
Breakfast: about a half a cup of spaghetti and meat sauce (I had forgotten to refrigerate my protein shakes so I just found something I could eat quickly.)
Lunch: Protein shake
Dinner: About a cup and a half of pomegranate seeds, polish sausage, toast, Green Giant veggies for one
Snack: Peanut butter, probably about a tbs

Water:
I failed at water drinking today and only met half my goal at four cups.

Exercise: 
I did a 35 minute dance workout and some yoga

Something I like about myself:
I like how I can get a long with most people. I would consider myself a kind person and don't really have any trouble finding common ground with people.

Getting Back in the Game

So it has been a while since I have kept track of my health and I need to get back on it, so I start today! In the middle of the holiday season... I'm going to push through this. I need to for both my mental and physical health.
Since I have been off my "diet" I have really been mad at myself. I have really high standards for myself and I feel as if I don't meet any of them currently. This is why I get mad at myself when I don't stick to a diet and exercise plan. I know I want to lose 40 pounds so why am I eating this whole cake by myself? I see other girls that I aspire to look like body-wise but I am just a loaf of a girl who needs to do something for herself. I want to stop feeling bad about myself whenever I see someone I think is significantly prettier than I am. Now I am really going to try and hold my self accountable for all aspects of my health and I hope that I can hold my self to that from this day forward. I need to get into a better physical state mainly because I am out of shape and a little overweight. Do I need to lose 40 pounds? No. Realistically I only need to lose about 20 to be within my healthy weight range, but I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror. I believe that will require me to get down to the goal weight I had set for myself about 8 years ago. I also need to work on my mental health. I know looks aren't everything and I need to focus on other aspects of my life. I can't let myself get so upset just because of my weight, because in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. I have value as a person and I need to look deep within myself to find it.

Food:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: 2 servings of steak and potato soup
Dinner: A ham and croissant sandwich and about half a cup of macaroni salad
Snack: Salted sun flower seeds, about half a tablespoon of peanut butter

Water:
8 cups! I finally drank enough water in one day! (I really hated how much I had to pee)

Exercise:
Pilates belly bloat blaster (pop pilates video)

Something I like about myself:
I like how I can let lose and dance around for hours by myself. I think it is important to be able to enjoy the little fun things I can do every so often just so that I don't become to stressed or get bogged down in monotony. 

Days 11 and 12

Days 11 and 12

So these past two days I have done pretty well with my diet. I wouldn't say I excel at dieting but for me I've been doing pretty well. I think when I have more stuff to do besides sit around and watch TV or do homework I am not too concerned with eating. I think that is going to be the key for me losing the weight. I have to keep myself preoccupied in order to stop myself from overeating. Yesterday I was in class, so I couldn't really eat. Then after class I was hanging out with my little and g-little. Because we were doing stuff all night I wasn't really thinking about food.

I still haven't heard anything back from any medical schools and I'm getting nervous. I'm trying not to stress myself out about it but that is kind of hard when you keep hearing about other people going to interviews. Hopefully I will hear back soon.

I don't really remember what I ate on day 11 so we're just gonna put down day 12
Day 12 Food:
Breakfast: None. Woke up too late again.
Lunch: Green Giant rice and veggies
Dinner: Noodles & Co. Whole grain pasta fresca
Snacks: Ritz crackers with peanut butter, almonds

Water: 8 cups

Exercise: none. I'll get there some day.

Thing(s) I accomplished: Day 11-
Day 12- I got an A on my 10 page rough draft

Thing(s) I like about myself:
I like that I know a lot of weird animal facts (For example: Kangaroos have 3 vaginas)
I like how sound of a sleeper I am. I can pretty much sleep through anything. It's great.