So these past two days I personally have not felt too great about. I'm trying to stick to my diet and eat the right amount of calories but sometimes I don't know how many calories I am eating. Like when I go to the dining hall. I have no idea how many calories are in the food I am eating. So I try to be conscious of the amounts of food I am having but I always feel like I am eating way too much.
Not knowing if I am staying on track with my diet makes me really upset because I feel like it will slow down my progress. I cannot stand how slow the process of losing weight is. So, the fact that I feel like I might be slowing it even further has been slightly upsetting.
I've been trying to be body positive. I try looking at myself and smiling and thinking that the body I currently have is beautiful. But that is not working. I tell myself that then my brain goes, "stop lying to yourself." I have thoughts like this practically every day. I am always demeaning myself and telling myself that I am not thin enough, or pretty enough, or good enough. I am extremely hard on myself. I am my own toughest critic. I don't want to be, but I also don't really know how to change it. I try to say these positive things about myself, and half of me believes it and I smile for a fraction of a second. Then, however, my very mean brain comes in and says, "you're an idiot. You are nowhere near where you need/want to be." It's pretty rough. It also really bums me out.
I guess this is why I don't believe other people when they tell me I'm pretty or smart. My brain just tells me they are lying. But, sometimes it won't say anything. Instead, it will flash images of someone who is much more desirable than I am. I think that hurts even more than the words do. It feels like someone will tell me that I'm pretty and my brain will just flash an image of this one person. And in that moment my brain is telling me "you might be kind of pretty but you'll never be as pretty as her, and there's nothing you're ever going to do that will make you that beautiful." That makes me feel like absolute crap.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and that I should love myself. But that is hard when society is telling me that there is a standard of beauty and I don't fit it. I really wish I knew how to ignore basically the whole world shoving these ideas onto me.
Food for 12/7:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: Salad and a blueberry bagel
Dinner: Pesto chicken pasta, one piece of garlic bread, and a salad
Water:
9-10 cups
Exercise:
None on 12/7 (it was my busy day)
I did workout on 12/6 though. I got through four of the 5 assigned pilates videos and also did a stretching video.
Something I like about myself:
My eyebrows
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Monday, December 5, 2016
12/5
I am so out of shape. Oh my God.
I decided I would try to stick to a workout plan to help me lose weight. I chose to follow blogilates on youtube and on the website. Today was the first day I tried the workout and I couldn't make it all the way through. Cassey has 5 videos per day on her monthly workout calendar. I was really excited to start. I was going to start getting in shape and strengthen my body. I did the first video which was an ab workout and I made it though that pretty well. Then I got to the cardio video. It was only 7 minutes. I was seriously out of breath after it. It was pretty sad. Then she had 3 butt workouts after that. I did the first one and felt pretty shaky afterwards. I started the next video and got like 3 minutes in and my body just gave out. It was sad. Gosh, I am so weak. But, I plan on keeping up with these videos so that I can get stronger. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to do all five videos in a row.
Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- One serving of honey wheat pretzels and an egg
Dinner- Spinach pasta and pesto, 2 porcupine meatballs (ground beef and rice)
Snacks- A peanut butter cookie, almonds
Water:
I think I had around 10 cups today. It is getting easier to drink all the water. I still don't like how much I have to pee though.
Exercise:
3 blogilates video (probably about 35 minutes)
Something I like about myself:
I like the fact that I can learn quickly.
I decided I would try to stick to a workout plan to help me lose weight. I chose to follow blogilates on youtube and on the website. Today was the first day I tried the workout and I couldn't make it all the way through. Cassey has 5 videos per day on her monthly workout calendar. I was really excited to start. I was going to start getting in shape and strengthen my body. I did the first video which was an ab workout and I made it though that pretty well. Then I got to the cardio video. It was only 7 minutes. I was seriously out of breath after it. It was pretty sad. Then she had 3 butt workouts after that. I did the first one and felt pretty shaky afterwards. I started the next video and got like 3 minutes in and my body just gave out. It was sad. Gosh, I am so weak. But, I plan on keeping up with these videos so that I can get stronger. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to do all five videos in a row.
Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- One serving of honey wheat pretzels and an egg
Dinner- Spinach pasta and pesto, 2 porcupine meatballs (ground beef and rice)
Snacks- A peanut butter cookie, almonds
Water:
I think I had around 10 cups today. It is getting easier to drink all the water. I still don't like how much I have to pee though.
Exercise:
3 blogilates video (probably about 35 minutes)
Something I like about myself:
I like the fact that I can learn quickly.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
12/1
Today was not a good day for me as a person on a diet. I did not eat a lot but what I did eat was all high in fat and calories. Dammit me get a hold of yourself. I have this problem where I'll start to diet then I'll get mad after 2 days because I won't have lost any weight and then I'll just be like "well, guess I'm going to be fat forever. I might as well eat whatever I want." I kind of did that today but not to the extent that I usually do. Usually I just rampage and eat everything I can. Today I was like "Oh, I should really not be eating this but it'll be okay." I really need to focus on my goals. I need to realize that losing weight is possible but that it takes time and is not going to happen over night.
Food:
Breakfast- Smoked sausage
Lunch- A blueberry muffin and 3 servings of barbecue chips
Dinner- Chicken noodle soup
Snacks- A frosted sugar cookie, a bite sized brownie and a candy cane
Water:
I probably had about 10 cups today, and I expect I'll drink more when I head to the gym.
Exercise:
Nothing yet but I plan on going to the gym for about an hour to do cardio once I finish my homework.
Something I like about myself:
I like my hair. I've always liked my hair but now that I've dyed it darker I like it even more.
Food:
Breakfast- Smoked sausage
Lunch- A blueberry muffin and 3 servings of barbecue chips
Dinner- Chicken noodle soup
Snacks- A frosted sugar cookie, a bite sized brownie and a candy cane
Water:
I probably had about 10 cups today, and I expect I'll drink more when I head to the gym.
Exercise:
Nothing yet but I plan on going to the gym for about an hour to do cardio once I finish my homework.
Something I like about myself:
I like my hair. I've always liked my hair but now that I've dyed it darker I like it even more.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
11/30
I did not make much progress today. I did not watch as much TV as usual but I still watched more TV than I would have liked too. I just find it hard to get myself to do something productive when I only have a certain amount of time. For example I know any part of my homework is going to take me more than one hour but after class I only have an hour before band, so I just tell my self, well I might as well just watch TV to fill the time. I have to keep myself from doing that and just work on some homework anyways. At least then I'll be getting something done.
Something weird happened today. I was sad after my boyfriend told me I was beautiful. This isn't the only time this has happened. It actually happens a lot. Not all the time, but still pretty frequently. Sometimes I will take it as a compliment and I'll think it's sweet that he tells me I am beautiful all the time. However, other times I become sad because I don't think I am beautiful. Then I feel like he is lying to me even though I know he isn't. So, I tell myself he is telling the truth but I also go on and tell myself that there is someone he thinks is much more attractive than I am. I think that it doesn't matter or not if he thinks I am beautiful. I'll never be the most beautiful. There's always going to be someone who is prettier than me.
When I think like this I also get mad at myself. Like, why does it matter how pretty I am? There's more to me than just my physical appearance. I have a lot more to offer. There are so many more important things in life than looks. Who cares if you don't look like celebrities and models? Who cares if your not stick thin? But then I always think... well I do. I don't want to and it's something I am going to try to work on. I just don't really know how to fix it. I have been thinking like this for half of my life. How do you change how you have been thinking? I hope I figure it out soon because I hate that I get so upset about this.
Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- Smoked sausage, broccoli, pomegranates
Dinner- Small pulled pork sandwich
Snack- Spoon of peanut butter, half a cookie I shared with my roommate
Water:
About 10 cups
Exercise:
None. Wednesdays are my busiest days. So, I think I will use Wednesdays as rest days.
Something I like about myself:
How incredibly hilarious I can be.
Something weird happened today. I was sad after my boyfriend told me I was beautiful. This isn't the only time this has happened. It actually happens a lot. Not all the time, but still pretty frequently. Sometimes I will take it as a compliment and I'll think it's sweet that he tells me I am beautiful all the time. However, other times I become sad because I don't think I am beautiful. Then I feel like he is lying to me even though I know he isn't. So, I tell myself he is telling the truth but I also go on and tell myself that there is someone he thinks is much more attractive than I am. I think that it doesn't matter or not if he thinks I am beautiful. I'll never be the most beautiful. There's always going to be someone who is prettier than me.
When I think like this I also get mad at myself. Like, why does it matter how pretty I am? There's more to me than just my physical appearance. I have a lot more to offer. There are so many more important things in life than looks. Who cares if you don't look like celebrities and models? Who cares if your not stick thin? But then I always think... well I do. I don't want to and it's something I am going to try to work on. I just don't really know how to fix it. I have been thinking like this for half of my life. How do you change how you have been thinking? I hope I figure it out soon because I hate that I get so upset about this.
Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- Smoked sausage, broccoli, pomegranates
Dinner- Small pulled pork sandwich
Snack- Spoon of peanut butter, half a cookie I shared with my roommate
Water:
About 10 cups
Exercise:
None. Wednesdays are my busiest days. So, I think I will use Wednesdays as rest days.
Something I like about myself:
How incredibly hilarious I can be.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
11/29
Today was kind of a lazy day. I still managed to workout but I didn't really do anything else I wanted to do. I pretty much just watched TV for most of the day once I got off from work at 1:30. Now about an hour of that time was spent also cleaning pomegranates but I still probably watched about 3 hours of TV. I think that is something I need to work on, limiting my TV time. Once I start I just don't feel like doing anything else. I need to be more motivated to study for my classes and exercise more. I guess I could even practice for my music lessons if I just stopped watching TV and went to the music building. So, in addition to trying to lose weight I'm going to try to explore new things I can do each day in place of watching TV.
Food:
Breakfast: about a half a cup of spaghetti and meat sauce (I had forgotten to refrigerate my protein shakes so I just found something I could eat quickly.)
Lunch: Protein shake
Dinner: About a cup and a half of pomegranate seeds, polish sausage, toast, Green Giant veggies for one
Snack: Peanut butter, probably about a tbs
Water:
I failed at water drinking today and only met half my goal at four cups.
Exercise:
I did a 35 minute dance workout and some yoga
Something I like about myself:
I like how I can get a long with most people. I would consider myself a kind person and don't really have any trouble finding common ground with people.
Food:
Breakfast: about a half a cup of spaghetti and meat sauce (I had forgotten to refrigerate my protein shakes so I just found something I could eat quickly.)
Lunch: Protein shake
Dinner: About a cup and a half of pomegranate seeds, polish sausage, toast, Green Giant veggies for one
Snack: Peanut butter, probably about a tbs
Water:
I failed at water drinking today and only met half my goal at four cups.
Exercise:
I did a 35 minute dance workout and some yoga
Something I like about myself:
I like how I can get a long with most people. I would consider myself a kind person and don't really have any trouble finding common ground with people.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Getting Back in the Game
So it has been a while since I have kept track of my health and I need to get back on it, so I start today! In the middle of the holiday season... I'm going to push through this. I need to for both my mental and physical health.
Since I have been off my "diet" I have really been mad at myself. I have really high standards for myself and I feel as if I don't meet any of them currently. This is why I get mad at myself when I don't stick to a diet and exercise plan. I know I want to lose 40 pounds so why am I eating this whole cake by myself? I see other girls that I aspire to look like body-wise but I am just a loaf of a girl who needs to do something for herself. I want to stop feeling bad about myself whenever I see someone I think is significantly prettier than I am. Now I am really going to try and hold my self accountable for all aspects of my health and I hope that I can hold my self to that from this day forward. I need to get into a better physical state mainly because I am out of shape and a little overweight. Do I need to lose 40 pounds? No. Realistically I only need to lose about 20 to be within my healthy weight range, but I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror. I believe that will require me to get down to the goal weight I had set for myself about 8 years ago. I also need to work on my mental health. I know looks aren't everything and I need to focus on other aspects of my life. I can't let myself get so upset just because of my weight, because in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. I have value as a person and I need to look deep within myself to find it.
Food:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: 2 servings of steak and potato soup
Dinner: A ham and croissant sandwich and about half a cup of macaroni salad
Snack: Salted sun flower seeds, about half a tablespoon of peanut butter
Water:
8 cups! I finally drank enough water in one day! (I really hated how much I had to pee)
Exercise:
Pilates belly bloat blaster (pop pilates video)
Something I like about myself:
I like how I can let lose and dance around for hours by myself. I think it is important to be able to enjoy the little fun things I can do every so often just so that I don't become to stressed or get bogged down in monotony.
Since I have been off my "diet" I have really been mad at myself. I have really high standards for myself and I feel as if I don't meet any of them currently. This is why I get mad at myself when I don't stick to a diet and exercise plan. I know I want to lose 40 pounds so why am I eating this whole cake by myself? I see other girls that I aspire to look like body-wise but I am just a loaf of a girl who needs to do something for herself. I want to stop feeling bad about myself whenever I see someone I think is significantly prettier than I am. Now I am really going to try and hold my self accountable for all aspects of my health and I hope that I can hold my self to that from this day forward. I need to get into a better physical state mainly because I am out of shape and a little overweight. Do I need to lose 40 pounds? No. Realistically I only need to lose about 20 to be within my healthy weight range, but I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror. I believe that will require me to get down to the goal weight I had set for myself about 8 years ago. I also need to work on my mental health. I know looks aren't everything and I need to focus on other aspects of my life. I can't let myself get so upset just because of my weight, because in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. I have value as a person and I need to look deep within myself to find it.
Food:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: 2 servings of steak and potato soup
Dinner: A ham and croissant sandwich and about half a cup of macaroni salad
Snack: Salted sun flower seeds, about half a tablespoon of peanut butter
Water:
8 cups! I finally drank enough water in one day! (I really hated how much I had to pee)
Exercise:
Pilates belly bloat blaster (pop pilates video)
Something I like about myself:
I like how I can let lose and dance around for hours by myself. I think it is important to be able to enjoy the little fun things I can do every so often just so that I don't become to stressed or get bogged down in monotony.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Days 11 and 12
Days 11 and 12
So these past two days I have done pretty well with my diet. I wouldn't say I excel at dieting but for me I've been doing pretty well. I think when I have more stuff to do besides sit around and watch TV or do homework I am not too concerned with eating. I think that is going to be the key for me losing the weight. I have to keep myself preoccupied in order to stop myself from overeating. Yesterday I was in class, so I couldn't really eat. Then after class I was hanging out with my little and g-little. Because we were doing stuff all night I wasn't really thinking about food.
I still haven't heard anything back from any medical schools and I'm getting nervous. I'm trying not to stress myself out about it but that is kind of hard when you keep hearing about other people going to interviews. Hopefully I will hear back soon.
I don't really remember what I ate on day 11 so we're just gonna put down day 12
Day 12 Food:
Breakfast: None. Woke up too late again.
Lunch: Green Giant rice and veggies
Dinner: Noodles & Co. Whole grain pasta fresca
Snacks: Ritz crackers with peanut butter, almonds
Water: 8 cups
Exercise: none. I'll get there some day.
Thing(s) I accomplished: Day 11-
Day 12- I got an A on my 10 page rough draft
Thing(s) I like about myself:
I like that I know a lot of weird animal facts (For example: Kangaroos have 3 vaginas)
I like how sound of a sleeper I am. I can pretty much sleep through anything. It's great.
So these past two days I have done pretty well with my diet. I wouldn't say I excel at dieting but for me I've been doing pretty well. I think when I have more stuff to do besides sit around and watch TV or do homework I am not too concerned with eating. I think that is going to be the key for me losing the weight. I have to keep myself preoccupied in order to stop myself from overeating. Yesterday I was in class, so I couldn't really eat. Then after class I was hanging out with my little and g-little. Because we were doing stuff all night I wasn't really thinking about food.
I still haven't heard anything back from any medical schools and I'm getting nervous. I'm trying not to stress myself out about it but that is kind of hard when you keep hearing about other people going to interviews. Hopefully I will hear back soon.
I don't really remember what I ate on day 11 so we're just gonna put down day 12
Day 12 Food:
Breakfast: None. Woke up too late again.
Lunch: Green Giant rice and veggies
Dinner: Noodles & Co. Whole grain pasta fresca
Snacks: Ritz crackers with peanut butter, almonds
Water: 8 cups
Exercise: none. I'll get there some day.
Thing(s) I accomplished: Day 11-
Day 12- I got an A on my 10 page rough draft
Thing(s) I like about myself:
I like that I know a lot of weird animal facts (For example: Kangaroos have 3 vaginas)
I like how sound of a sleeper I am. I can pretty much sleep through anything. It's great.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Day 10
Day 10
Hello! Welcome to my blog about how I'm trying to better my self worth and self image. If you think this blog is dumb, don't read it. If you like it, good! I'm glad I can bring you some joy or whatever it is you like about this.
So today was okay. As I try to lose weight I realize that I am ALWAYS hungry. I never feel like I should not be eating and this is something I am trying to work on. I should be eating small meals throughout the day but today I don't really know what it is I was doing. I ate three very small main meals today and then just kind of went crazy later on in the day. I felt okay after eating my meals but felt kind of bad about my snack choices. I pretty much just ate anything I could get my hands on. I really need to go shopping and stock up on yummy healthy snacks but this is hard when I constantly crave chocolate and fries.
I have heard that if you stop eating junk food then you will crave it less and less as time goes on. Maybe I should focus on cutting out junk food in addition to eating less and only eating when I am hungry.
Food:
Breakfast: Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich (english muffin, egg, cheese, sausage patty)
Lunch: 1 bag (2.66 servings) of Lay's potato chips... felt bad about it when I was eating it but it was delicious
Dinner: 2 servings of Progresso beef pot roast soup
Snacks: dark chocolate pretzels (about 7 total), 3 dill pickles, 1 medium sized chocolate chip cookie
I feel bad for so much snacking but I was hungry... I'll work on it
Water: 6 cups... I really need to make myself drink more water
Exercise: I really suck and didn't workout again... it's hard to be motivated to workout at the end of a term
Thing I accomplished: I weighed myself today and I have somehow managed to lose 2 pounds! I have no idea how, probably just normal weight fluctuations but I'm going to say it was because I kind of tried.
Thing I like about myself: I like my calves. I don't know why but they've always had this defined lateral line. I just like it. I think I have it because I only walk up stairs on my tiptoes.
Hello! Welcome to my blog about how I'm trying to better my self worth and self image. If you think this blog is dumb, don't read it. If you like it, good! I'm glad I can bring you some joy or whatever it is you like about this.
So today was okay. As I try to lose weight I realize that I am ALWAYS hungry. I never feel like I should not be eating and this is something I am trying to work on. I should be eating small meals throughout the day but today I don't really know what it is I was doing. I ate three very small main meals today and then just kind of went crazy later on in the day. I felt okay after eating my meals but felt kind of bad about my snack choices. I pretty much just ate anything I could get my hands on. I really need to go shopping and stock up on yummy healthy snacks but this is hard when I constantly crave chocolate and fries.
I have heard that if you stop eating junk food then you will crave it less and less as time goes on. Maybe I should focus on cutting out junk food in addition to eating less and only eating when I am hungry.
Food:
Breakfast: Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich (english muffin, egg, cheese, sausage patty)
Lunch: 1 bag (2.66 servings) of Lay's potato chips... felt bad about it when I was eating it but it was delicious
Dinner: 2 servings of Progresso beef pot roast soup
Snacks: dark chocolate pretzels (about 7 total), 3 dill pickles, 1 medium sized chocolate chip cookie
I feel bad for so much snacking but I was hungry... I'll work on it
Water: 6 cups... I really need to make myself drink more water
Exercise: I really suck and didn't workout again... it's hard to be motivated to workout at the end of a term
Thing I accomplished: I weighed myself today and I have somehow managed to lose 2 pounds! I have no idea how, probably just normal weight fluctuations but I'm going to say it was because I kind of tried.
Thing I like about myself: I like my calves. I don't know why but they've always had this defined lateral line. I just like it. I think I have it because I only walk up stairs on my tiptoes.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Day 9
Day 9
So today was kind of a boring day. I went to woke up, went to work, came home, ate and did my art project. I am about to take a shower and do my homework. Sadly, I can't work out today because my art project took way longer than I thought it would. And although it took so long it still didn't turn out at all like I wanted it to, but whatever. It was good enough.
No breakdowns today so thats better than yesterday. However I did have a slight freakout because I got an email from a medical school. I got nervous because I was worried that it might be about interviews. It wasn't. They just told me they got my application... So still waiting to hear back from 16 schools about interviews and I will have a small heart attack every time I see an email from a school. Hopefully they come back sooner rather than later.
Food:
Breakfast- nature valley almond bar
Lunch- milk and salad (spinach, black olives, carrots, Italian dressing)... there were no tomatoes at the salad bar at work which made me sad because tomatoes are one of my favorite foods.
Dinner- made up for lack of tomatoes at lunch by eating 4 midsized tomatoes. I also had one of those Green Giant veggie and rice things.
Dessert- dark chocolate pretzels
Snacks-2 fun sized M&M packs
Water: 4 cups I plan on drinking more when I do my homework
Exercise: none. I suck. maybe tomorrow.
Thing I accomplished: I finished my art project
Thing I like about myself: I like how good I am with cats. Cats and I just get each other.
So today was kind of a boring day. I went to woke up, went to work, came home, ate and did my art project. I am about to take a shower and do my homework. Sadly, I can't work out today because my art project took way longer than I thought it would. And although it took so long it still didn't turn out at all like I wanted it to, but whatever. It was good enough.
No breakdowns today so thats better than yesterday. However I did have a slight freakout because I got an email from a medical school. I got nervous because I was worried that it might be about interviews. It wasn't. They just told me they got my application... So still waiting to hear back from 16 schools about interviews and I will have a small heart attack every time I see an email from a school. Hopefully they come back sooner rather than later.
Food:
Breakfast- nature valley almond bar
Lunch- milk and salad (spinach, black olives, carrots, Italian dressing)... there were no tomatoes at the salad bar at work which made me sad because tomatoes are one of my favorite foods.
Dinner- made up for lack of tomatoes at lunch by eating 4 midsized tomatoes. I also had one of those Green Giant veggie and rice things.
Dessert- dark chocolate pretzels
Snacks-2 fun sized M&M packs
Water: 4 cups I plan on drinking more when I do my homework
Exercise: none. I suck. maybe tomorrow.
Thing I accomplished: I finished my art project
Thing I like about myself: I like how good I am with cats. Cats and I just get each other.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Days 3-8
Days 3-8
So I let my sickness consume me and didn't post anything for a while. I also just got super busy and overwhelmed so I was focused on some other stuff that I had to get done for school. But now I should be back for a while.
So today I am posting for Day 8. Days 3-7 were a mess so we are just going to move forward with our lives. Today was the first day that I actually felt 100% recovered from my illness. Which was great because I could not deal with feeling like crap anymore.
Today was kind of a weird day for me. It started off pretty well. My first class was cancelled so I got to wake up later than usual. Because I had extra time today I figured I would dress up and look nice. Before I left for class I was really happy with myself. I thought I looked really cute and the dress I was wearing made me look pretty thin.
Tonight was different though. First I started to worry about medical school. Every time I open my email now I am worried that I will get another rejection email. I have almost no faith that anywhere will even ask me back for an interview. I think I finished my secondaries too late and I don't think I have any exceptional qualities that I think would set me apart from anyone.
I also got really upset about my weight tonight. I started thinking about all the things I don't like about myself and of course my body came to mind. That feeling was only worsened when I changed out of my dress into my pajamas. My dresser is right next to my mirror so anytime I change out of clothes I am forced to look at my naked/partially naked body. Tonight as I looked at myself I could only see things that I hated. Mainly my thighs and my stomach. I just glimpsed at them and started to cry. I keep asking myself why I let myself gain so much weight. I also kept asking myself why I keep doing this to myself. Why don't I work to get thinner? Why do I keep purposely failing? Why do I just keep telling myself that I am going to be fat forever? I know that it is physically possible for me to lose weight, but for some reason I feel like it isn't.
I felt like absolute crap about myself tonight and that's something that I really need to change about myself. I really need to stop feeling bad for myself and just learn to love myself. I hope I can figure that out sooner than later. Otherwise I'm just going to keep bumming myself out forever.
Food:
Breakfast- none. I didn't even wake up until lunch time
Lunch- whole wheat spaghetti with olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes
Dinner- garlic butter chicken, broccoli, and egg noodles with butter
Dessert- half of my small pumpkin pie
Snack- 4/5 dark chocolate pretzels
Water- maybe 3 cups. I failed at drinking water today.
Exercise- none today but hopefully I can hit the gym tomorrow
Thing I accomplished today: I got a couple complements from my saxophone teacher. This is unusual because usually just tells me to keep playing (if we actually play in that lesson) so he usually is too busy saying something else than giving compliments.
Something I like about myself:
So, this section was a suggestion I got from my boyfriend. He thinks it will help me to think about what I like about myself. So I guess I can try it.
I like how soft my skin is. I think maybe this is the one thing I have that sets me apart from others. I have been told by so many people that I have the softest skin they have ever felt. So I guess thats pretty cool.
So I let my sickness consume me and didn't post anything for a while. I also just got super busy and overwhelmed so I was focused on some other stuff that I had to get done for school. But now I should be back for a while.
So today I am posting for Day 8. Days 3-7 were a mess so we are just going to move forward with our lives. Today was the first day that I actually felt 100% recovered from my illness. Which was great because I could not deal with feeling like crap anymore.
Today was kind of a weird day for me. It started off pretty well. My first class was cancelled so I got to wake up later than usual. Because I had extra time today I figured I would dress up and look nice. Before I left for class I was really happy with myself. I thought I looked really cute and the dress I was wearing made me look pretty thin.
Tonight was different though. First I started to worry about medical school. Every time I open my email now I am worried that I will get another rejection email. I have almost no faith that anywhere will even ask me back for an interview. I think I finished my secondaries too late and I don't think I have any exceptional qualities that I think would set me apart from anyone.
I also got really upset about my weight tonight. I started thinking about all the things I don't like about myself and of course my body came to mind. That feeling was only worsened when I changed out of my dress into my pajamas. My dresser is right next to my mirror so anytime I change out of clothes I am forced to look at my naked/partially naked body. Tonight as I looked at myself I could only see things that I hated. Mainly my thighs and my stomach. I just glimpsed at them and started to cry. I keep asking myself why I let myself gain so much weight. I also kept asking myself why I keep doing this to myself. Why don't I work to get thinner? Why do I keep purposely failing? Why do I just keep telling myself that I am going to be fat forever? I know that it is physically possible for me to lose weight, but for some reason I feel like it isn't.
I felt like absolute crap about myself tonight and that's something that I really need to change about myself. I really need to stop feeling bad for myself and just learn to love myself. I hope I can figure that out sooner than later. Otherwise I'm just going to keep bumming myself out forever.
Food:
Breakfast- none. I didn't even wake up until lunch time
Lunch- whole wheat spaghetti with olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes
Dinner- garlic butter chicken, broccoli, and egg noodles with butter
Dessert- half of my small pumpkin pie
Snack- 4/5 dark chocolate pretzels
Water- maybe 3 cups. I failed at drinking water today.
Exercise- none today but hopefully I can hit the gym tomorrow
Thing I accomplished today: I got a couple complements from my saxophone teacher. This is unusual because usually just tells me to keep playing (if we actually play in that lesson) so he usually is too busy saying something else than giving compliments.
Something I like about myself:
So, this section was a suggestion I got from my boyfriend. He thinks it will help me to think about what I like about myself. So I guess I can try it.
I like how soft my skin is. I think maybe this is the one thing I have that sets me apart from others. I have been told by so many people that I have the softest skin they have ever felt. So I guess thats pretty cool.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Late but Day two
I was going to post this yesterday but I came down with a fever and was to exhausted to do anything. So I am posting day two now.
So yesterday while I was at work I heard back from my first medical school. They did not want me back for an interview. That didn't make me feel too great. But I am trying to be positive about this. That was only one out of the many schools I applied to. I still have a lot of schools to hear back from and I'm sure I'll probably be asked back for an interview for a few of them. Honestly the only thing I care about is getting into 1 school.
Initially when I read the email I was really worried. I tend to let my mind go on this long train of thought where I think about all the bad things that could happen. So when I looked at the email and saw that this school didn't want me I started freaking out and thinking no school would want me. I really don't have a lot of faith in myself. Which is weird because I'm pretty optimistic in all other respects. Deep down I know that I am smart enough to get into medical school but for some reason I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough to get in. And even though I doubt myself there are so many people in my life who believe in me. They all seem to see these great qualities in me that I just don't see. I guess now I just have to try and see what they see.
Diet Stuff!
Food:
Breakfast: none. I'm not really a breakfast person and was too lazy to make myself anything before work. When I do have work I usually have a protein shake on my way there but I wasn't feeling it yesterday.
Lunch: Per my usual work lunch I had a PB&J and a string cheese.
Dinner: Beef and vegetable soup
Snack: dark chocolate covered pretzels
Water: I have no idea but it was a lot. I was so dehydrated with the fever that I kept drinking water and had to pee like every 20 minutes.
Thing I accomplished: I finished working on my presentation
So yesterday while I was at work I heard back from my first medical school. They did not want me back for an interview. That didn't make me feel too great. But I am trying to be positive about this. That was only one out of the many schools I applied to. I still have a lot of schools to hear back from and I'm sure I'll probably be asked back for an interview for a few of them. Honestly the only thing I care about is getting into 1 school.
Initially when I read the email I was really worried. I tend to let my mind go on this long train of thought where I think about all the bad things that could happen. So when I looked at the email and saw that this school didn't want me I started freaking out and thinking no school would want me. I really don't have a lot of faith in myself. Which is weird because I'm pretty optimistic in all other respects. Deep down I know that I am smart enough to get into medical school but for some reason I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough to get in. And even though I doubt myself there are so many people in my life who believe in me. They all seem to see these great qualities in me that I just don't see. I guess now I just have to try and see what they see.
Diet Stuff!
Food:
Breakfast: none. I'm not really a breakfast person and was too lazy to make myself anything before work. When I do have work I usually have a protein shake on my way there but I wasn't feeling it yesterday.
Lunch: Per my usual work lunch I had a PB&J and a string cheese.
Dinner: Beef and vegetable soup
Snack: dark chocolate covered pretzels
Water: I have no idea but it was a lot. I was so dehydrated with the fever that I kept drinking water and had to pee like every 20 minutes.
Thing I accomplished: I finished working on my presentation
Monday, October 3, 2016
Day one
So today is the day I decided to start trying to help myself. For as long as I can remember I have had some serious self image/self worth issues. These issues have stemmed from both society and multiple people but I have to get over those things. I have to look forward and just think about myself for now and not what I think other people think of me.
The first thing I'm going to try to work on is losing weight. My biggest problem with myself is my size. Even at my thinnest I never really felt like I was where I wanted to be. I've always felt fat. College has really increased this feeling. I, of course, gained the freshman 15. Whatever it's fine. Sophomore year I didn't gain anything so I was mildly happy about that. Junior year I gained 10 more pounds. Gaining that extra 10 pounds has really made it hard for me to be happy with the way I look. Now, I've never been happy with my image but recently it has been a lot worse. Before I used to be able to tell myself that I sometimes looked fine but now whenever I see myself in the mirror I just become moderately depressed. I know weight shouldn't really matter. I know I should just accept and love myself the way I am, but I can't. So now I'm going to work towards becoming the person I want to see in the mirror.
In order to reach my goal of becoming a better me I am going to post all of my diet and exercise that I have done each day as well as something I accomplished. I am doing this to show myself what good things I am currently doing so maybe I can finally stick to something.
Food:
Breakfast- Teriyaki vegetables and rice... I woke up late so I just warmed up one of my green giant meals before heading to class.
Lunch- Tomatos with salt and honey wheat pretzels
Dinner- Lobster Ravioli with olive oil and parmesan cheese... I had a chocolate veggie muffin for dessert
Water: So far I have had about 6 glasses... 2 more to go
Exercise:
Uhh nothing... I am way too busy this week. I'll try to implement an exercise routine next week
Thing(s) I accomplished today:
I finished my secondary applications for medical school today!!
The first thing I'm going to try to work on is losing weight. My biggest problem with myself is my size. Even at my thinnest I never really felt like I was where I wanted to be. I've always felt fat. College has really increased this feeling. I, of course, gained the freshman 15. Whatever it's fine. Sophomore year I didn't gain anything so I was mildly happy about that. Junior year I gained 10 more pounds. Gaining that extra 10 pounds has really made it hard for me to be happy with the way I look. Now, I've never been happy with my image but recently it has been a lot worse. Before I used to be able to tell myself that I sometimes looked fine but now whenever I see myself in the mirror I just become moderately depressed. I know weight shouldn't really matter. I know I should just accept and love myself the way I am, but I can't. So now I'm going to work towards becoming the person I want to see in the mirror.
In order to reach my goal of becoming a better me I am going to post all of my diet and exercise that I have done each day as well as something I accomplished. I am doing this to show myself what good things I am currently doing so maybe I can finally stick to something.
Food:
Breakfast- Teriyaki vegetables and rice... I woke up late so I just warmed up one of my green giant meals before heading to class.
Lunch- Tomatos with salt and honey wheat pretzels
Dinner- Lobster Ravioli with olive oil and parmesan cheese... I had a chocolate veggie muffin for dessert
Water: So far I have had about 6 glasses... 2 more to go
Exercise:
Uhh nothing... I am way too busy this week. I'll try to implement an exercise routine next week
Thing(s) I accomplished today:
I finished my secondary applications for medical school today!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)