12/6 and 12/7

So these past two days I personally have not felt too great about. I'm trying to stick to my diet and eat the right amount of calories but sometimes I don't know how many calories I am eating. Like when I go to the dining hall. I have no idea how many calories are in the food I am eating. So I try to be conscious of the amounts of food I am having but I always feel like I am eating way too much.
Not knowing if I am staying on track with my diet makes me really upset because I feel like it will slow down my progress. I cannot stand how slow the process of losing weight is. So, the fact that I feel like I might be slowing it even further has been slightly upsetting.
I've been trying to be body positive. I try looking at myself and smiling and thinking that the body I currently have is beautiful. But that is not working. I tell myself that then my brain goes, "stop lying to yourself." I have thoughts like this practically every day. I am always demeaning myself and telling myself that I am not thin enough, or pretty enough, or good enough. I am extremely hard on myself. I am my own toughest critic. I don't want to be, but I also don't really know how to change it. I try to say these positive things about myself, and half of me believes it and I smile for a fraction of a second. Then, however, my very mean brain comes in and says, "you're an idiot. You are nowhere near where you need/want to be." It's pretty rough. It also really bums me out.
I guess this is why I don't believe other people when they tell me I'm pretty or smart. My brain just tells me they are lying. But, sometimes it won't say anything. Instead, it will flash images of someone who is much more desirable than I am. I think that hurts even more than the words do. It feels like someone will tell me that I'm pretty and my brain will just flash an image of this one person. And in that moment my brain is telling me "you might be kind of pretty but you'll never be as pretty as her, and there's nothing you're ever going to do that will make you that beautiful." That makes me feel like absolute crap.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and that I should love myself. But that is hard when society is telling me that there is a standard of beauty and I don't fit it. I really wish I knew how to ignore basically the whole world shoving these ideas onto me.

Food for 12/7:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: Salad and a blueberry bagel
Dinner: Pesto chicken pasta, one piece of garlic bread, and a salad

Water:
9-10 cups

Exercise:
None on 12/7 (it was my busy day)
I did workout on 12/6 though. I got through four of the 5 assigned pilates videos and also did a stretching video.

Something I like about myself:
My eyebrows

12/5

I am so out of shape. Oh my God.
I decided I would try to stick to a workout plan to help me lose weight. I chose to follow blogilates on youtube and on the website. Today was the first day I tried the workout and I couldn't make it all the way through. Cassey has 5 videos per day on her monthly workout calendar. I was really excited to start. I was going to start getting in shape and strengthen my body. I did the first video which was an ab workout and I made it though that pretty well. Then I got to the cardio video. It was only 7 minutes. I was seriously out of breath after it. It was pretty sad. Then she had 3 butt workouts after that. I did the first one and felt pretty shaky afterwards. I started the next video and got like 3 minutes in and my body just gave out. It was sad. Gosh, I am so weak. But, I plan on keeping up with these videos so that I can get stronger. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to do all five videos in a row.

Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- One serving of honey wheat pretzels and an egg
Dinner- Spinach pasta and pesto, 2 porcupine meatballs (ground beef and rice)
Snacks- A peanut butter cookie, almonds

Water:
I think I had around 10 cups today. It is getting easier to drink all the water. I still don't like how much I have to pee though. 

Exercise: 
3 blogilates video (probably about 35 minutes)

Something I like about myself:
I like the fact that I can learn quickly.

12/1

Today was not a good day for me as a person on a diet. I did not eat a lot but what I did eat was all high in fat and calories. Dammit me get a hold of yourself. I have this problem where I'll start to diet then I'll get mad after 2 days because I won't have lost any weight and then I'll just be like "well, guess I'm going to be fat forever. I might as well eat whatever I want." I kind of did that today but not to the extent that I usually do. Usually I just rampage and eat everything I can. Today I was like "Oh, I should really not be eating this but it'll be okay." I really need to focus on my goals. I need to realize that losing weight is possible but that it takes time and is not going to happen over night.

Food:
Breakfast- Smoked sausage
Lunch- A blueberry muffin and 3 servings of barbecue chips
Dinner- Chicken noodle soup
Snacks- A frosted sugar cookie, a bite sized brownie and a candy cane

Water:
I probably had about 10 cups today, and I expect I'll drink more when I head to the gym.

Exercise:
Nothing yet but I plan on going to the gym for about an hour to do cardio once I finish my homework.

Something I like about myself:
I like my hair. I've always liked my hair but now that I've dyed it darker I like it even more.