I did not make much progress today. I did not watch as much TV as usual but I still watched more TV than I would have liked too. I just find it hard to get myself to do something productive when I only have a certain amount of time. For example I know any part of my homework is going to take me more than one hour but after class I only have an hour before band, so I just tell my self, well I might as well just watch TV to fill the time. I have to keep myself from doing that and just work on some homework anyways. At least then I'll be getting something done.
Something weird happened today. I was sad after my boyfriend told me I was beautiful. This isn't the only time this has happened. It actually happens a lot. Not all the time, but still pretty frequently. Sometimes I will take it as a compliment and I'll think it's sweet that he tells me I am beautiful all the time. However, other times I become sad because I don't think I am beautiful. Then I feel like he is lying to me even though I know he isn't. So, I tell myself he is telling the truth but I also go on and tell myself that there is someone he thinks is much more attractive than I am. I think that it doesn't matter or not if he thinks I am beautiful. I'll never be the most beautiful. There's always going to be someone who is prettier than me.
When I think like this I also get mad at myself. Like, why does it matter how pretty I am? There's more to me than just my physical appearance. I have a lot more to offer. There are so many more important things in life than looks. Who cares if you don't look like celebrities and models? Who cares if your not stick thin? But then I always think... well I do. I don't want to and it's something I am going to try to work on. I just don't really know how to fix it. I have been thinking like this for half of my life. How do you change how you have been thinking? I hope I figure it out soon because I hate that I get so upset about this.
Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- Smoked sausage, broccoli, pomegranates
Dinner- Small pulled pork sandwich
Snack- Spoon of peanut butter, half a cookie I shared with my roommate
Water:
About 10 cups
Exercise:
None. Wednesdays are my busiest days. So, I think I will use Wednesdays as rest days.
Something I like about myself:
How incredibly hilarious I can be.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
11/29
Today was kind of a lazy day. I still managed to workout but I didn't really do anything else I wanted to do. I pretty much just watched TV for most of the day once I got off from work at 1:30. Now about an hour of that time was spent also cleaning pomegranates but I still probably watched about 3 hours of TV. I think that is something I need to work on, limiting my TV time. Once I start I just don't feel like doing anything else. I need to be more motivated to study for my classes and exercise more. I guess I could even practice for my music lessons if I just stopped watching TV and went to the music building. So, in addition to trying to lose weight I'm going to try to explore new things I can do each day in place of watching TV.
Food:
Breakfast: about a half a cup of spaghetti and meat sauce (I had forgotten to refrigerate my protein shakes so I just found something I could eat quickly.)
Lunch: Protein shake
Dinner: About a cup and a half of pomegranate seeds, polish sausage, toast, Green Giant veggies for one
Snack: Peanut butter, probably about a tbs
Water:
I failed at water drinking today and only met half my goal at four cups.
Exercise:
I did a 35 minute dance workout and some yoga
Something I like about myself:
I like how I can get a long with most people. I would consider myself a kind person and don't really have any trouble finding common ground with people.
Food:
Breakfast: about a half a cup of spaghetti and meat sauce (I had forgotten to refrigerate my protein shakes so I just found something I could eat quickly.)
Lunch: Protein shake
Dinner: About a cup and a half of pomegranate seeds, polish sausage, toast, Green Giant veggies for one
Snack: Peanut butter, probably about a tbs
Water:
I failed at water drinking today and only met half my goal at four cups.
Exercise:
I did a 35 minute dance workout and some yoga
Something I like about myself:
I like how I can get a long with most people. I would consider myself a kind person and don't really have any trouble finding common ground with people.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Getting Back in the Game
So it has been a while since I have kept track of my health and I need to get back on it, so I start today! In the middle of the holiday season... I'm going to push through this. I need to for both my mental and physical health.
Since I have been off my "diet" I have really been mad at myself. I have really high standards for myself and I feel as if I don't meet any of them currently. This is why I get mad at myself when I don't stick to a diet and exercise plan. I know I want to lose 40 pounds so why am I eating this whole cake by myself? I see other girls that I aspire to look like body-wise but I am just a loaf of a girl who needs to do something for herself. I want to stop feeling bad about myself whenever I see someone I think is significantly prettier than I am. Now I am really going to try and hold my self accountable for all aspects of my health and I hope that I can hold my self to that from this day forward. I need to get into a better physical state mainly because I am out of shape and a little overweight. Do I need to lose 40 pounds? No. Realistically I only need to lose about 20 to be within my healthy weight range, but I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror. I believe that will require me to get down to the goal weight I had set for myself about 8 years ago. I also need to work on my mental health. I know looks aren't everything and I need to focus on other aspects of my life. I can't let myself get so upset just because of my weight, because in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. I have value as a person and I need to look deep within myself to find it.
Food:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: 2 servings of steak and potato soup
Dinner: A ham and croissant sandwich and about half a cup of macaroni salad
Snack: Salted sun flower seeds, about half a tablespoon of peanut butter
Water:
8 cups! I finally drank enough water in one day! (I really hated how much I had to pee)
Exercise:
Pilates belly bloat blaster (pop pilates video)
Something I like about myself:
I like how I can let lose and dance around for hours by myself. I think it is important to be able to enjoy the little fun things I can do every so often just so that I don't become to stressed or get bogged down in monotony.
Since I have been off my "diet" I have really been mad at myself. I have really high standards for myself and I feel as if I don't meet any of them currently. This is why I get mad at myself when I don't stick to a diet and exercise plan. I know I want to lose 40 pounds so why am I eating this whole cake by myself? I see other girls that I aspire to look like body-wise but I am just a loaf of a girl who needs to do something for herself. I want to stop feeling bad about myself whenever I see someone I think is significantly prettier than I am. Now I am really going to try and hold my self accountable for all aspects of my health and I hope that I can hold my self to that from this day forward. I need to get into a better physical state mainly because I am out of shape and a little overweight. Do I need to lose 40 pounds? No. Realistically I only need to lose about 20 to be within my healthy weight range, but I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror. I believe that will require me to get down to the goal weight I had set for myself about 8 years ago. I also need to work on my mental health. I know looks aren't everything and I need to focus on other aspects of my life. I can't let myself get so upset just because of my weight, because in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. I have value as a person and I need to look deep within myself to find it.
Food:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: 2 servings of steak and potato soup
Dinner: A ham and croissant sandwich and about half a cup of macaroni salad
Snack: Salted sun flower seeds, about half a tablespoon of peanut butter
Water:
8 cups! I finally drank enough water in one day! (I really hated how much I had to pee)
Exercise:
Pilates belly bloat blaster (pop pilates video)
Something I like about myself:
I like how I can let lose and dance around for hours by myself. I think it is important to be able to enjoy the little fun things I can do every so often just so that I don't become to stressed or get bogged down in monotony.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Days 11 and 12
Days 11 and 12
So these past two days I have done pretty well with my diet. I wouldn't say I excel at dieting but for me I've been doing pretty well. I think when I have more stuff to do besides sit around and watch TV or do homework I am not too concerned with eating. I think that is going to be the key for me losing the weight. I have to keep myself preoccupied in order to stop myself from overeating. Yesterday I was in class, so I couldn't really eat. Then after class I was hanging out with my little and g-little. Because we were doing stuff all night I wasn't really thinking about food.
I still haven't heard anything back from any medical schools and I'm getting nervous. I'm trying not to stress myself out about it but that is kind of hard when you keep hearing about other people going to interviews. Hopefully I will hear back soon.
I don't really remember what I ate on day 11 so we're just gonna put down day 12
Day 12 Food:
Breakfast: None. Woke up too late again.
Lunch: Green Giant rice and veggies
Dinner: Noodles & Co. Whole grain pasta fresca
Snacks: Ritz crackers with peanut butter, almonds
Water: 8 cups
Exercise: none. I'll get there some day.
Thing(s) I accomplished: Day 11-
Day 12- I got an A on my 10 page rough draft
Thing(s) I like about myself:
I like that I know a lot of weird animal facts (For example: Kangaroos have 3 vaginas)
I like how sound of a sleeper I am. I can pretty much sleep through anything. It's great.
So these past two days I have done pretty well with my diet. I wouldn't say I excel at dieting but for me I've been doing pretty well. I think when I have more stuff to do besides sit around and watch TV or do homework I am not too concerned with eating. I think that is going to be the key for me losing the weight. I have to keep myself preoccupied in order to stop myself from overeating. Yesterday I was in class, so I couldn't really eat. Then after class I was hanging out with my little and g-little. Because we were doing stuff all night I wasn't really thinking about food.
I still haven't heard anything back from any medical schools and I'm getting nervous. I'm trying not to stress myself out about it but that is kind of hard when you keep hearing about other people going to interviews. Hopefully I will hear back soon.
I don't really remember what I ate on day 11 so we're just gonna put down day 12
Day 12 Food:
Breakfast: None. Woke up too late again.
Lunch: Green Giant rice and veggies
Dinner: Noodles & Co. Whole grain pasta fresca
Snacks: Ritz crackers with peanut butter, almonds
Water: 8 cups
Exercise: none. I'll get there some day.
Thing(s) I accomplished: Day 11-
Day 12- I got an A on my 10 page rough draft
Thing(s) I like about myself:
I like that I know a lot of weird animal facts (For example: Kangaroos have 3 vaginas)
I like how sound of a sleeper I am. I can pretty much sleep through anything. It's great.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Day 10
Day 10
Hello! Welcome to my blog about how I'm trying to better my self worth and self image. If you think this blog is dumb, don't read it. If you like it, good! I'm glad I can bring you some joy or whatever it is you like about this.
So today was okay. As I try to lose weight I realize that I am ALWAYS hungry. I never feel like I should not be eating and this is something I am trying to work on. I should be eating small meals throughout the day but today I don't really know what it is I was doing. I ate three very small main meals today and then just kind of went crazy later on in the day. I felt okay after eating my meals but felt kind of bad about my snack choices. I pretty much just ate anything I could get my hands on. I really need to go shopping and stock up on yummy healthy snacks but this is hard when I constantly crave chocolate and fries.
I have heard that if you stop eating junk food then you will crave it less and less as time goes on. Maybe I should focus on cutting out junk food in addition to eating less and only eating when I am hungry.
Food:
Breakfast: Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich (english muffin, egg, cheese, sausage patty)
Lunch: 1 bag (2.66 servings) of Lay's potato chips... felt bad about it when I was eating it but it was delicious
Dinner: 2 servings of Progresso beef pot roast soup
Snacks: dark chocolate pretzels (about 7 total), 3 dill pickles, 1 medium sized chocolate chip cookie
I feel bad for so much snacking but I was hungry... I'll work on it
Water: 6 cups... I really need to make myself drink more water
Exercise: I really suck and didn't workout again... it's hard to be motivated to workout at the end of a term
Thing I accomplished: I weighed myself today and I have somehow managed to lose 2 pounds! I have no idea how, probably just normal weight fluctuations but I'm going to say it was because I kind of tried.
Thing I like about myself: I like my calves. I don't know why but they've always had this defined lateral line. I just like it. I think I have it because I only walk up stairs on my tiptoes.
Hello! Welcome to my blog about how I'm trying to better my self worth and self image. If you think this blog is dumb, don't read it. If you like it, good! I'm glad I can bring you some joy or whatever it is you like about this.
So today was okay. As I try to lose weight I realize that I am ALWAYS hungry. I never feel like I should not be eating and this is something I am trying to work on. I should be eating small meals throughout the day but today I don't really know what it is I was doing. I ate three very small main meals today and then just kind of went crazy later on in the day. I felt okay after eating my meals but felt kind of bad about my snack choices. I pretty much just ate anything I could get my hands on. I really need to go shopping and stock up on yummy healthy snacks but this is hard when I constantly crave chocolate and fries.
I have heard that if you stop eating junk food then you will crave it less and less as time goes on. Maybe I should focus on cutting out junk food in addition to eating less and only eating when I am hungry.
Food:
Breakfast: Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich (english muffin, egg, cheese, sausage patty)
Lunch: 1 bag (2.66 servings) of Lay's potato chips... felt bad about it when I was eating it but it was delicious
Dinner: 2 servings of Progresso beef pot roast soup
Snacks: dark chocolate pretzels (about 7 total), 3 dill pickles, 1 medium sized chocolate chip cookie
I feel bad for so much snacking but I was hungry... I'll work on it
Water: 6 cups... I really need to make myself drink more water
Exercise: I really suck and didn't workout again... it's hard to be motivated to workout at the end of a term
Thing I accomplished: I weighed myself today and I have somehow managed to lose 2 pounds! I have no idea how, probably just normal weight fluctuations but I'm going to say it was because I kind of tried.
Thing I like about myself: I like my calves. I don't know why but they've always had this defined lateral line. I just like it. I think I have it because I only walk up stairs on my tiptoes.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Day 9
Day 9
So today was kind of a boring day. I went to woke up, went to work, came home, ate and did my art project. I am about to take a shower and do my homework. Sadly, I can't work out today because my art project took way longer than I thought it would. And although it took so long it still didn't turn out at all like I wanted it to, but whatever. It was good enough.
No breakdowns today so thats better than yesterday. However I did have a slight freakout because I got an email from a medical school. I got nervous because I was worried that it might be about interviews. It wasn't. They just told me they got my application... So still waiting to hear back from 16 schools about interviews and I will have a small heart attack every time I see an email from a school. Hopefully they come back sooner rather than later.
Food:
Breakfast- nature valley almond bar
Lunch- milk and salad (spinach, black olives, carrots, Italian dressing)... there were no tomatoes at the salad bar at work which made me sad because tomatoes are one of my favorite foods.
Dinner- made up for lack of tomatoes at lunch by eating 4 midsized tomatoes. I also had one of those Green Giant veggie and rice things.
Dessert- dark chocolate pretzels
Snacks-2 fun sized M&M packs
Water: 4 cups I plan on drinking more when I do my homework
Exercise: none. I suck. maybe tomorrow.
Thing I accomplished: I finished my art project
Thing I like about myself: I like how good I am with cats. Cats and I just get each other.
So today was kind of a boring day. I went to woke up, went to work, came home, ate and did my art project. I am about to take a shower and do my homework. Sadly, I can't work out today because my art project took way longer than I thought it would. And although it took so long it still didn't turn out at all like I wanted it to, but whatever. It was good enough.
No breakdowns today so thats better than yesterday. However I did have a slight freakout because I got an email from a medical school. I got nervous because I was worried that it might be about interviews. It wasn't. They just told me they got my application... So still waiting to hear back from 16 schools about interviews and I will have a small heart attack every time I see an email from a school. Hopefully they come back sooner rather than later.
Food:
Breakfast- nature valley almond bar
Lunch- milk and salad (spinach, black olives, carrots, Italian dressing)... there were no tomatoes at the salad bar at work which made me sad because tomatoes are one of my favorite foods.
Dinner- made up for lack of tomatoes at lunch by eating 4 midsized tomatoes. I also had one of those Green Giant veggie and rice things.
Dessert- dark chocolate pretzels
Snacks-2 fun sized M&M packs
Water: 4 cups I plan on drinking more when I do my homework
Exercise: none. I suck. maybe tomorrow.
Thing I accomplished: I finished my art project
Thing I like about myself: I like how good I am with cats. Cats and I just get each other.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Days 3-8
Days 3-8
So I let my sickness consume me and didn't post anything for a while. I also just got super busy and overwhelmed so I was focused on some other stuff that I had to get done for school. But now I should be back for a while.
So today I am posting for Day 8. Days 3-7 were a mess so we are just going to move forward with our lives. Today was the first day that I actually felt 100% recovered from my illness. Which was great because I could not deal with feeling like crap anymore.
Today was kind of a weird day for me. It started off pretty well. My first class was cancelled so I got to wake up later than usual. Because I had extra time today I figured I would dress up and look nice. Before I left for class I was really happy with myself. I thought I looked really cute and the dress I was wearing made me look pretty thin.
Tonight was different though. First I started to worry about medical school. Every time I open my email now I am worried that I will get another rejection email. I have almost no faith that anywhere will even ask me back for an interview. I think I finished my secondaries too late and I don't think I have any exceptional qualities that I think would set me apart from anyone.
I also got really upset about my weight tonight. I started thinking about all the things I don't like about myself and of course my body came to mind. That feeling was only worsened when I changed out of my dress into my pajamas. My dresser is right next to my mirror so anytime I change out of clothes I am forced to look at my naked/partially naked body. Tonight as I looked at myself I could only see things that I hated. Mainly my thighs and my stomach. I just glimpsed at them and started to cry. I keep asking myself why I let myself gain so much weight. I also kept asking myself why I keep doing this to myself. Why don't I work to get thinner? Why do I keep purposely failing? Why do I just keep telling myself that I am going to be fat forever? I know that it is physically possible for me to lose weight, but for some reason I feel like it isn't.
I felt like absolute crap about myself tonight and that's something that I really need to change about myself. I really need to stop feeling bad for myself and just learn to love myself. I hope I can figure that out sooner than later. Otherwise I'm just going to keep bumming myself out forever.
Food:
Breakfast- none. I didn't even wake up until lunch time
Lunch- whole wheat spaghetti with olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes
Dinner- garlic butter chicken, broccoli, and egg noodles with butter
Dessert- half of my small pumpkin pie
Snack- 4/5 dark chocolate pretzels
Water- maybe 3 cups. I failed at drinking water today.
Exercise- none today but hopefully I can hit the gym tomorrow
Thing I accomplished today: I got a couple complements from my saxophone teacher. This is unusual because usually just tells me to keep playing (if we actually play in that lesson) so he usually is too busy saying something else than giving compliments.
Something I like about myself:
So, this section was a suggestion I got from my boyfriend. He thinks it will help me to think about what I like about myself. So I guess I can try it.
I like how soft my skin is. I think maybe this is the one thing I have that sets me apart from others. I have been told by so many people that I have the softest skin they have ever felt. So I guess thats pretty cool.
So I let my sickness consume me and didn't post anything for a while. I also just got super busy and overwhelmed so I was focused on some other stuff that I had to get done for school. But now I should be back for a while.
So today I am posting for Day 8. Days 3-7 were a mess so we are just going to move forward with our lives. Today was the first day that I actually felt 100% recovered from my illness. Which was great because I could not deal with feeling like crap anymore.
Today was kind of a weird day for me. It started off pretty well. My first class was cancelled so I got to wake up later than usual. Because I had extra time today I figured I would dress up and look nice. Before I left for class I was really happy with myself. I thought I looked really cute and the dress I was wearing made me look pretty thin.
Tonight was different though. First I started to worry about medical school. Every time I open my email now I am worried that I will get another rejection email. I have almost no faith that anywhere will even ask me back for an interview. I think I finished my secondaries too late and I don't think I have any exceptional qualities that I think would set me apart from anyone.
I also got really upset about my weight tonight. I started thinking about all the things I don't like about myself and of course my body came to mind. That feeling was only worsened when I changed out of my dress into my pajamas. My dresser is right next to my mirror so anytime I change out of clothes I am forced to look at my naked/partially naked body. Tonight as I looked at myself I could only see things that I hated. Mainly my thighs and my stomach. I just glimpsed at them and started to cry. I keep asking myself why I let myself gain so much weight. I also kept asking myself why I keep doing this to myself. Why don't I work to get thinner? Why do I keep purposely failing? Why do I just keep telling myself that I am going to be fat forever? I know that it is physically possible for me to lose weight, but for some reason I feel like it isn't.
I felt like absolute crap about myself tonight and that's something that I really need to change about myself. I really need to stop feeling bad for myself and just learn to love myself. I hope I can figure that out sooner than later. Otherwise I'm just going to keep bumming myself out forever.
Food:
Breakfast- none. I didn't even wake up until lunch time
Lunch- whole wheat spaghetti with olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes
Dinner- garlic butter chicken, broccoli, and egg noodles with butter
Dessert- half of my small pumpkin pie
Snack- 4/5 dark chocolate pretzels
Water- maybe 3 cups. I failed at drinking water today.
Exercise- none today but hopefully I can hit the gym tomorrow
Thing I accomplished today: I got a couple complements from my saxophone teacher. This is unusual because usually just tells me to keep playing (if we actually play in that lesson) so he usually is too busy saying something else than giving compliments.
Something I like about myself:
So, this section was a suggestion I got from my boyfriend. He thinks it will help me to think about what I like about myself. So I guess I can try it.
I like how soft my skin is. I think maybe this is the one thing I have that sets me apart from others. I have been told by so many people that I have the softest skin they have ever felt. So I guess thats pretty cool.
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