Thinking back on the past year...

One year ago from today my life was about as perfect as it could get. I had just found out I had been accepted into medical school. I was having the time of my life in Spain. And, the thing that I was most excited about was my relationship. I was head over heels for my boyfriend and was so excited about where our relationship was going. He had told me that he was going move in with me when I started med school. I felt like my life was exactly where I wanted it to be and I was thrilled about my future with the one person who meant the world to me.

A couple of months later things started to change... I didn't know what was happening but my boyfriend was acting weird and seemed to be mad at me. I didn't know if I had done anything and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Instead, we would just kind of fight but I never really got why. Then, he told me why he had been behaving so oddly. We were Skyping and he told me he didn't want to come with me when I went to medical school. He wanted to stay where he was. He felt moving half way across the country wasn't the best thing for him at the time. For the next 2 hours after he said that he just watched me sob over video chat before I could even manage to say anything. I told him I was obviously sad and disappointed, but I understood that he thought he could better him self carrier-wise at home more than he could where my new school was. I figured it wasn't such a big deal that we wouldn't live together right away. We were long distance at the time and I was okay with just having visits every once in a while.

So, after that talk I thought everything was going to be okay again, and it was... for about a week or two. Then things got a lot worse. Where he had just seemed kind of grumpy before he was now distant. He would constantly blow me off whenever I would try to come see him or whenever he was supposed to come see me. He kept making different excuses for why we couldn't see each other that weekend, and when he couldn't come up with an excuse he would just say, "I just can't".

This went on for at least 2-3 months. During this time I had developed a crippling anxiety and would often spend days feeling depressed. I was depressed because my wonderful relationship was rapidly deteriorating and I didn't know how to fix it. Anytime I tried to talk to him he was just distant and he wouldn't let me see him. So, I had no idea what to do. I was anxious because I never knew what was true. Every time we were supposed to see each other I would get sick to my stomach because I never knew if he was actually going to come through or if I was going to be let down yet again.

By the time graduation came around I shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't come. It shouldn't have upset me so much that he blew me off again at the last second. But it did. I was devastated. When my friends asked me where he was that day it took almost everything I had in me not to start crying. I wanted that day to be happy and special as a graduation should be. But it wasn't. It was fine, I guess. But it most certainly wasn't the occasion it should have been.

After graduation I moved back home and it took 2 or 3 weeks before he would "let" me come see him. I graduated mid May and I didn't see him until early June. I had been trying to see him for months and he kept avoiding me... and when I would call him he would just let it go to voicemail. Finally, I had had enough. I left a long message and basically just told him I was was coming over. I said I knew things were weird and that I didn't understand why. Then I told him it really seemed like we were just going to breakup and if that was the case it was fine, but that he at least owed me the decency of talking to me before we did. He called me back almost immediately and with some coaxing finally said I could come.

The next day I drove through shitty traffic to go breakup with my best friend. When I got there I was incredibly anxious and when I saw him my whole body tensed up. This was the longest we had ever gone without seeing him. Now, while in my mind I was freaking out, there was another part of me that was just so happy to see him. When he came up to me I gave him a hug and followed him up to his apartment.

Then what happened next was the complete opposite of what I expected to happen. Instead of us talking about why our relationship was dying we ended up doing... other things. I ended up spending the night and that is when we really talked about what was happening. I explained to him how anxious and depressed I had been and how what he was doing wasn't fair. I hadn't done anything and he was treating me like complete crap. While I was saying all of this I couldn't look at him. I had just been staring at the ceiling. When I looked over at him, he was crying. I had never seen him cry before. We had been together for 2 years and that was the only time I had ever seen him cry. He told me he felt terrible for treating me the way he had. He just was afraid of what was going to happen when I moved.

We then talked about how we didn't know what was going to happen when I went to school but we could stay together and figure it out when it happened. We loved each other and didn't necessarily want things to end, and just because I was moving it didn't mean we couldn't still be together.

Then the next few weeks were good and almost completely back to normal, and I got my hopes up that everything would be okay. The last time I saw him before I moved half way across the country was when I dropped him off at the train station so he could head home. He told me everything was going to be fine and that we were going to make it work. I took one last selfie of us and he kissed me goodbye.

The next day I got in my car and drove 11 hours to my new apartment. My mom came with me to help me get situated and ended up staying with me for a while which turned out to be both a blessing and a curse, but we will get back to that later.

A few weeks after I moved, my boyfriend was supposed to come to stay with me for a while but these "work" obligations came up. (He did not have an actual job at the time, he was working with a family member to start his own thing... his own thing that he didn't really know what he wanted to focus on. So, he was doing a bunch of weird random meetings at the time.) Now, I was already nervous because of what had happened before, but I was trying to be understanding. I wanted him to figure out his life and be successful, but I was terrified that he would keep blowing me off like he had before and I wasn't sure if he was making excuses again or if these were serious prospects.

Months went by and more excuses were made about why he couldn't come to see me. My anxiety was so bad that I wasn't eating, and everything I did eat ran right through me. I had constant headaches and terrible stomach aches. I could barely sleep and would have random break downs. It really wasn't the best way to start medical school.

After my first block was over I flew home and was so incredibly excited to see him. We were supposed to go to a wedding that he was in and I was pumped for the dancing. I love to dance. I knew I wasn't going to see him the first few days I was going to be home because I was going to be busy with family stuff so I didn't think much of anything when we didn't make plans right away. After I had been home for a few days, I texted him and asked him when he wanted me to come see him. He just said "idk, I'll let you know." I thought that was kind of weird but I just figured he had just been busy with the wedding stuff. I then texted him later that day and he didn't respond. I texted him again a few hours later... no response. Crap.

Then I knew. I knew it was over.

I called him. Voicemail. "It's fine if we break up but I need you to talk to me..."

That night I was just broken. I didn't really feel anything. I turned off my phone and went to bed.

The next morning I didn't even look at my phone. I had already had plans to hangout with one of my friends and I was going to focus on that. Finally though, I had to look at my phone to see when my friend was going to pick me up and when I had turned on my phone I saw that my boyfriend had texted me. He was apologizing and said we should talk. I texted him and said I had plans and that it would have to wait.

Thank God my friend was there that day because she made it feel not like the worst day ever. She stayed with me when he called and we decided to end things. But, because I'm dumb I wanted to do things in person so we made plans to see each other after the wedding.

When that day came I had more plans with another friend. Her job was basically to help me not breakdown that day. Her being there did help a lot, but I was still anxious. I still threw up before I saw him.

Now, I am a person who likes to stick to a schedule if there is one. If I am supposed to do something at a specific time, you can bet I'm going to be there on time. So, when my boyfriend not once but twice, pushed back our meeting time, I was livid. Not only was he late... this was important!

Finally I just told him I'd meet him wherever he was because I was done and I just wanted to get it over with and go home. So he told me where he was going to be and my friend and I headed over there. While I waited for him she went shopping in the nearby stores.

I waited there, agitated, annoyed, angry. However, the second I saw him it all melted away. I was just so happy to see him. I had missed him so much and after 4 months he was finally there in front of me. I knew what was happening though, so I made sure to reel in my excitement.

We went to this little seating area between some of the stores and sat on a bench and started talking. At first it was just a normal conversation and I was confused. What was happening here? Were we breaking up? Then I just asked him... What's going on? He told me he couldn't get himself to come. That no matter how much he wanted to want to come... he couldn't. At the time it didn't bother me, I got it. I knew for a while it was coming and I was okay with it. And somehow we ended up snuggling on the bench? He just put his arm around me and it was all I wanted at that moment. I remember I sat there in his arms and thought about all the times before when we would be snuggling and I would think "this moment is perfect, cherish what you are feeling right now." And then we kissed and it was great. And when I left our breakup I was totally fine. I was happy that things ended on a good note and that there were no hard feelings.

Initially I felt like I was doing okay. I had a hard day after I flew back to school but the next few months seemed to be okay. There were times when I would be sad but it was never terrible and I always felt fine after I cried a little bit. Plus, I wasn't consistently sad. It just happened every so often.

So, seeing as I was relatively fine I figured I could try casually dating. I knew I don't want to be in anything serious right now but I like meeting new people and I figured it would be good to get out there.

I got a tinder and had it for a little while. I went out with 5 or 6 guys and was reminded just how much I hate most guys and how gross they can be. But I ended up matching with this one guy who I've been seeing for about a month. He knows I'm not looking for anything serious and he's really nice and we get along well. I like him but as of right now I don't see us together long term.

While this tinder guy has been a decent distraction, I've had the hardest time with my breakup this month. I know it's for a few reasons. The first is that my friends are currently on band tour and their posts remind me of how I knew I liked my ex during one of our band tours before we started dating and the time we spent together while we were dating on the next band tour. But the main reason I think I'm doing so poorly right now is because I remember where I was one year ago. I remember how incredibly happy I was. How I was so in love with the guy who meant more to me than anything in the world. I remember that this month, one year ago, on my birthday, I wished that he and I would be engaged by the end of the year... This year, I wished that no one would ever hurt me this deeply ever again.


Things have really changed in the past year. I try to keep a relatively optimistic on everything in my life and I feel like I have been able to do that with school but I've been having a hard time doing that with my romantic life. It's just hard when you think you have everything you could ever wish for and it just vanishes.

I just hope once this month ends I can get back to feeling okay again.

12/6 and 12/7

So these past two days I personally have not felt too great about. I'm trying to stick to my diet and eat the right amount of calories but sometimes I don't know how many calories I am eating. Like when I go to the dining hall. I have no idea how many calories are in the food I am eating. So I try to be conscious of the amounts of food I am having but I always feel like I am eating way too much.
Not knowing if I am staying on track with my diet makes me really upset because I feel like it will slow down my progress. I cannot stand how slow the process of losing weight is. So, the fact that I feel like I might be slowing it even further has been slightly upsetting.
I've been trying to be body positive. I try looking at myself and smiling and thinking that the body I currently have is beautiful. But that is not working. I tell myself that then my brain goes, "stop lying to yourself." I have thoughts like this practically every day. I am always demeaning myself and telling myself that I am not thin enough, or pretty enough, or good enough. I am extremely hard on myself. I am my own toughest critic. I don't want to be, but I also don't really know how to change it. I try to say these positive things about myself, and half of me believes it and I smile for a fraction of a second. Then, however, my very mean brain comes in and says, "you're an idiot. You are nowhere near where you need/want to be." It's pretty rough. It also really bums me out.
I guess this is why I don't believe other people when they tell me I'm pretty or smart. My brain just tells me they are lying. But, sometimes it won't say anything. Instead, it will flash images of someone who is much more desirable than I am. I think that hurts even more than the words do. It feels like someone will tell me that I'm pretty and my brain will just flash an image of this one person. And in that moment my brain is telling me "you might be kind of pretty but you'll never be as pretty as her, and there's nothing you're ever going to do that will make you that beautiful." That makes me feel like absolute crap.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and that I should love myself. But that is hard when society is telling me that there is a standard of beauty and I don't fit it. I really wish I knew how to ignore basically the whole world shoving these ideas onto me.

Food for 12/7:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: Salad and a blueberry bagel
Dinner: Pesto chicken pasta, one piece of garlic bread, and a salad

Water:
9-10 cups

Exercise:
None on 12/7 (it was my busy day)
I did workout on 12/6 though. I got through four of the 5 assigned pilates videos and also did a stretching video.

Something I like about myself:
My eyebrows

12/5

I am so out of shape. Oh my God.
I decided I would try to stick to a workout plan to help me lose weight. I chose to follow blogilates on youtube and on the website. Today was the first day I tried the workout and I couldn't make it all the way through. Cassey has 5 videos per day on her monthly workout calendar. I was really excited to start. I was going to start getting in shape and strengthen my body. I did the first video which was an ab workout and I made it though that pretty well. Then I got to the cardio video. It was only 7 minutes. I was seriously out of breath after it. It was pretty sad. Then she had 3 butt workouts after that. I did the first one and felt pretty shaky afterwards. I started the next video and got like 3 minutes in and my body just gave out. It was sad. Gosh, I am so weak. But, I plan on keeping up with these videos so that I can get stronger. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to do all five videos in a row.

Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- One serving of honey wheat pretzels and an egg
Dinner- Spinach pasta and pesto, 2 porcupine meatballs (ground beef and rice)
Snacks- A peanut butter cookie, almonds

Water:
I think I had around 10 cups today. It is getting easier to drink all the water. I still don't like how much I have to pee though. 

Exercise: 
3 blogilates video (probably about 35 minutes)

Something I like about myself:
I like the fact that I can learn quickly.

12/1

Today was not a good day for me as a person on a diet. I did not eat a lot but what I did eat was all high in fat and calories. Dammit me get a hold of yourself. I have this problem where I'll start to diet then I'll get mad after 2 days because I won't have lost any weight and then I'll just be like "well, guess I'm going to be fat forever. I might as well eat whatever I want." I kind of did that today but not to the extent that I usually do. Usually I just rampage and eat everything I can. Today I was like "Oh, I should really not be eating this but it'll be okay." I really need to focus on my goals. I need to realize that losing weight is possible but that it takes time and is not going to happen over night.

Food:
Breakfast- Smoked sausage
Lunch- A blueberry muffin and 3 servings of barbecue chips
Dinner- Chicken noodle soup
Snacks- A frosted sugar cookie, a bite sized brownie and a candy cane

Water:
I probably had about 10 cups today, and I expect I'll drink more when I head to the gym.

Exercise:
Nothing yet but I plan on going to the gym for about an hour to do cardio once I finish my homework.

Something I like about myself:
I like my hair. I've always liked my hair but now that I've dyed it darker I like it even more.

11/30

I did not make much progress today. I did not watch as much TV as usual but I still watched more TV than I would have liked too. I just find it hard to get myself to do something productive when I only have a certain amount of time. For example I know any part of my homework is going to take me more than one hour but after class I only have an hour before band, so I just tell my self, well I might as well just watch TV to fill the time. I have to keep myself from doing that and just work on some homework anyways. At least then I'll be getting something done.

Something weird happened today. I was sad after my boyfriend told me I was beautiful. This isn't the only time this has happened. It actually happens a lot. Not all the time, but still pretty frequently. Sometimes I will take it as a compliment and I'll think it's sweet that he tells me I am beautiful all the time. However, other times I become sad because I don't think I am beautiful. Then I feel like he is lying to me even though I know he isn't. So, I tell myself he is telling the truth but I also go on and tell myself that there is someone he thinks is much more attractive than I am. I think that it doesn't matter or not if he thinks I am beautiful. I'll never be the most beautiful. There's always going to be someone who is prettier than me.
When I think like this I also get mad at myself. Like, why does it matter how pretty I am? There's more to me than just my physical appearance. I have a lot more to offer. There are so many more important things in life than looks. Who cares if you don't look like celebrities and models? Who cares if your not stick thin? But then I always think... well I do. I don't want to and it's something I am going to try to work on. I just don't really know how to fix it. I have been thinking like this for half of my life. How do you change how you have been thinking? I hope I figure it out soon because I hate that I get so upset about this.

Food:
Breakfast- Protein shake
Lunch- Smoked sausage, broccoli, pomegranates 
Dinner- Small pulled pork sandwich
Snack- Spoon of peanut butter, half a cookie I shared with my roommate

Water:
About 10 cups

Exercise:
None. Wednesdays are my busiest days. So, I think I will use Wednesdays as rest days.

Something I like about myself:
How incredibly hilarious I can be. 

11/29

Today was kind of a lazy day. I still managed to workout but I didn't really do anything else I wanted to do. I pretty much just watched TV for most of the day once I got off from work at 1:30. Now about an hour of that time was spent also cleaning pomegranates but I still probably watched about 3 hours of TV. I think that is something I need to work on, limiting my TV time. Once I start I just don't feel like doing anything else. I need to be more motivated to study for my classes and exercise more. I guess I could even practice for my music lessons if I just stopped watching TV and went to the music building. So, in addition to trying to lose weight I'm going to try to explore new things I can do each day in place of watching TV.

Food:
Breakfast: about a half a cup of spaghetti and meat sauce (I had forgotten to refrigerate my protein shakes so I just found something I could eat quickly.)
Lunch: Protein shake
Dinner: About a cup and a half of pomegranate seeds, polish sausage, toast, Green Giant veggies for one
Snack: Peanut butter, probably about a tbs

Water:
I failed at water drinking today and only met half my goal at four cups.

Exercise: 
I did a 35 minute dance workout and some yoga

Something I like about myself:
I like how I can get a long with most people. I would consider myself a kind person and don't really have any trouble finding common ground with people.

Getting Back in the Game

So it has been a while since I have kept track of my health and I need to get back on it, so I start today! In the middle of the holiday season... I'm going to push through this. I need to for both my mental and physical health.
Since I have been off my "diet" I have really been mad at myself. I have really high standards for myself and I feel as if I don't meet any of them currently. This is why I get mad at myself when I don't stick to a diet and exercise plan. I know I want to lose 40 pounds so why am I eating this whole cake by myself? I see other girls that I aspire to look like body-wise but I am just a loaf of a girl who needs to do something for herself. I want to stop feeling bad about myself whenever I see someone I think is significantly prettier than I am. Now I am really going to try and hold my self accountable for all aspects of my health and I hope that I can hold my self to that from this day forward. I need to get into a better physical state mainly because I am out of shape and a little overweight. Do I need to lose 40 pounds? No. Realistically I only need to lose about 20 to be within my healthy weight range, but I want to be happy with what I see in the mirror. I believe that will require me to get down to the goal weight I had set for myself about 8 years ago. I also need to work on my mental health. I know looks aren't everything and I need to focus on other aspects of my life. I can't let myself get so upset just because of my weight, because in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. I have value as a person and I need to look deep within myself to find it.

Food:
Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: 2 servings of steak and potato soup
Dinner: A ham and croissant sandwich and about half a cup of macaroni salad
Snack: Salted sun flower seeds, about half a tablespoon of peanut butter

Water:
8 cups! I finally drank enough water in one day! (I really hated how much I had to pee)

Exercise:
Pilates belly bloat blaster (pop pilates video)

Something I like about myself:
I like how I can let lose and dance around for hours by myself. I think it is important to be able to enjoy the little fun things I can do every so often just so that I don't become to stressed or get bogged down in monotony.